UNCHARTED: DRAKE'S FORTUNE

There are games for all kinds of people. There are games for rappers and games for graffiti artists and games for people who feel up girls on Japanese subway trains, but there have never been any decent games for white supremacists. That is until Uncharted, Drake's Fortune, a rip-snorting adventure in which a waspish manly man runs around slaughtering everyone who had the poor judgement to not be born white. Okay, maybe I'm making too much of a big deal of this, but I'm not kidding when I say that every single minority on Earth is represented in the ranks of Uncharted's bad guys, a stream of assorted blacks, Asians and Latinos brought together by their mutual desire to kill whitey. This is with the exception of the very British main villain, but he gets arbitrarily killed off about ten minutes before the end in favour of a more ethnic final boss. Sorry to spoil that for you, but I assumed you could predict a plot point like the bad guy dies. But like George W. Bush, let's forget about the wellbeing of non-Caucasians and put on our reviewing pants. Uncharted has its sights very firmly on the notion of cinematic gaming and plays like a Hollywood movie specifically the Hollywood movie National Treasure with a big scoop of Raiders of the Lost Ark mixed in You play Nathan Indiana Jones as written by Joss Whedon Drake as he scavenger hunts for the inevitable lost golden treasure in the standard exotic locales while being aided by the troublesome initially hostile blonde love interest and the elderly mentor-type figure who might as well wear a t-shirt saying, I will die or turn evil. Before I twist the hatred valve, I just want to say that the water effects in this game are really good. Water pouring from pipes actually shimmers like real water does and the main character's got this shirt that looks realistically wet after you've been swimming, but what's cool is that it will only be partly wet if it was only partly immersed in the water, and that's Well I think it's interesting! Although it is odd how they put so much work into making his shirt look wet when his hair acts like it's held in place with polymer cement. Gameplay is divided between puzzle platforming extracted virtually unaltered from the slack vinegar-scented womb of absolutely any Tomb Raider game, and Gears of War-style action gunplay based around firing from cover and propagating the master race. Oh yeah, and there's some vehicle sections, but are those really worth mentioning anymore? Saying that an action game's got a vehicle section these days carries about as much weight as saying that it comes in a box. Anyway, Uncharted's hybrid gameplay falls into the familiar trap of trying to do everything and just making it bland across the board. A major problem is that it a very visually busy game with at any given moment the screen stuffed with more greenery than a dope fiend window box which drops leaves on both the gameplay train tracks In the platforming there sometimes little to differentiate the next ledge you have to jump onto and a meaningless background texture Oh yeah and there are QuickTime Events Let me speak directly for a moment. I sort of understand why developers keep using QuickTime Events, I suppose an arbitrary reflex I'm being overly mean. The gameplay is quite adequate. Of course it is, it's been blanketly ripped off. Not a single element of it hasn't been tried and tested in at least three popular previous UNCHARTED UNCHARTED resign Essa Barn vision What an unc Meteo cereal like Marvels Robot What you montrer? visually. Wait for it. baldness. 바� sum organized suddenly no wonder why thank you This sums up Uncharted. It is safe. It takes no risks and pushes no envelopes. An envelope would move more if you put it in front of a glacier. It's just insipid like an unbuttered Jacob's cream cracker. Quite edible, but crying out for something more, a certain je ne sais quoi like a nice bit of brie. I don't expect every single game to spark a revolution, but you could at least let off a single measly firework. Thank you for watching!