Escape from Ever After | Fully Ramblomatic

For all of Nintendo's hearty fuckups, For all of Nintendo's hearty fuckups, For all of Nintendo's hearty fuckups, the Wii U, the red tinted migraine the Wii U, the red tinted migraine the Wii U, the red tinted migraine generating device, those little tiny generating device, those little tiny generating device, those little tiny GameCube discs that all the other GameCube discs that all the other GameCube discs that all the other consoles end down with normalsized discs consoles end down with normalsized discs consoles end down with normalsized discs used to laugh at and bully in the locker used to laugh at and bully in the locker used to laugh at and bully in the locker room, they have had at least two room, they have had at least two room, they have had at least two completely unqualified good ideas. Paper completely unqualified good ideas. Paper completely unqualified good ideas. Paper Mario 2: The Thousand-Year Door and Mario 2: The Thousand-Year Door and Mario 2: The Thousand-Year Door and ending every Metroid game with a strip ending every Metroid game with a strip ending every Metroid game with a strip tease. But since Nintendo are physically tease. But since Nintendo are physically tease. But since Nintendo are physically incapable of raising a triumphant fist incapable of raising a triumphant fist incapable of raising a triumphant fist without at some point punching without at some point punching without at some point punching themselves in the bollocks with it, they themselves in the bollocks with it, they themselves in the bollocks with it, they have since used the Paper Mario IP as a have since used the Paper Mario IP as a have since used the Paper Mario IP as a snot rag and a means by which to line snot rag and a means by which to line snot rag and a means by which to line the cages of a startlingly incontinent the cages of a startlingly incontinent the cages of a startlingly incontinent parrot. And so, the race has been on parrot. And so, the race has been on parrot. And so, the race has been on within the indie circles to fill that within the indie circles to fill that within the indie circles to fill that specific niche. Bug Fables tried it, but specific niche. Bug Fables tried it, but specific niche. Bug Fables tried it, but didn't quite have the same energy for my didn't quite have the same energy for my didn't quite have the same energy for my taste. Rainbow Billy tried it, but I taste. Rainbow Billy tried it, but I taste. Rainbow Billy tried it, but I think I'm literally the only person who think I'm literally the only person who think I'm literally the only person who remembers Rainbow Billy. And now we have remembers Rainbow Billy. And now we have remembers Rainbow Billy. And now we have the latest contender, Escape from Ever the latest contender, Escape from Ever the latest contender, Escape from Ever After, which I have to say of all the After, which I have to say of all the After, which I have to say of all the Paper Mario imitators, takes the most Paper Mario imitators, takes the most Paper Mario imitators, takes the most cues from Thousand-Year Door without a cues from Thousand-Year Door without a cues from Thousand-Year Door without a doubt. In fact, let's not mince words, doubt. In fact, let's not mince words, doubt. In fact, let's not mince words, it takes all the cues. It's like a it takes all the cues. It's like a it takes all the cues. It's like a [ __ ] kleptomaniac at a snooker [ __ ] kleptomaniac at a snooker [ __ ] kleptomaniac at a snooker tournament. It's got the same visual tournament. It's got the same visual tournament. It's got the same visual style, the same combat, the same badge style, the same combat, the same badge style, the same combat, the same badge system, the same partner system, same system, the same partner system, same system, the same partner system, same level up system. I'm pretty sure the level up system. I'm pretty sure the level up system. I'm pretty sure the main character wears the exact same main character wears the exact same main character wears the exact same [ __ ] shoes as Mario. And speaking as [ __ ] shoes as Mario. And speaking as [ __ ] shoes as Mario. And speaking as someone who's psychotic enough about someone who's psychotic enough about someone who's psychotic enough about Thousand-Year Door to have paid close Thousand-Year Door to have paid close Thousand-Year Door to have paid close attention to the shoes, I rather liked attention to the shoes, I rather liked attention to the shoes, I rather liked Escape from Ever After because the most Escape from Ever After because the most Escape from Ever After because the most important ingredient that completed the important ingredient that completed the important ingredient that completed the Thousand-Year Door formula, the icing on Thousand-Year Door formula, the icing on Thousand-Year Door formula, the icing on the Bukaki shoot as it were, was its the Bukaki shoot as it were, was its the Bukaki shoot as it were, was its sense of humor and irreverence for the sense of humor and irreverence for the sense of humor and irreverence for the Mario IP, which was surprising Mario IP, which was surprising Mario IP, which was surprising considering after that unfortunate Zelda considering after that unfortunate Zelda considering after that unfortunate Zelda CDI business, Nintendo adopted a policy CDI business, Nintendo adopted a policy CDI business, Nintendo adopted a policy of jealously protecting its IP in the of jealously protecting its IP in the of jealously protecting its IP in the manner of a wealthy lunatic hoarding manner of a wealthy lunatic hoarding manner of a wealthy lunatic hoarding their urine in bottles. And to recreate their urine in bottles. And to recreate their urine in bottles. And to recreate the same level of irreverence, you'd the same level of irreverence, you'd the same level of irreverence, you'd need to take the piss out of something need to take the piss out of something need to take the piss out of something with the same degree of being with the same degree of being with the same degree of being universally known and understood as universally known and understood as universally known and understood as Mario. Escape from Ever After went with Mario. Escape from Ever After went with Mario. Escape from Ever After went with story books and classic literature, and story books and classic literature, and story books and classic literature, and that very much fits the bill. I mean, we that very much fits the bill. I mean, we that very much fits the bill. I mean, we all know who Goldilocks is and can all all know who Goldilocks is and can all all know who Goldilocks is and can all come together and laugh heartily at the come together and laugh heartily at the come together and laugh heartily at the porn parody version in which Goldilocks porn parody version in which Goldilocks porn parody version in which Goldilocks discovers which of the bear's tongues is discovers which of the bear's tongues is discovers which of the bear's tongues is not too moist and not too scratchy. In not too moist and not too scratchy. In not too moist and not too scratchy. In Escape from Ever After, we play as Flint Escape from Ever After, we play as Flint Escape from Ever After, we play as Flint Buckler, a character in a children's Buckler, a character in a children's Buckler, a character in a children's story book who arrives at the castle of story book who arrives at the castle of story book who arrives at the castle of the villainous dragon, only to find the the villainous dragon, only to find the the villainous dragon, only to find the great hall given over to a cubicle farm, great hall given over to a cubicle farm, great hall given over to a cubicle farm, and a receptionist asking if he's here and a receptionist asking if he's here and a receptionist asking if he's here to deliver the paper cups for the water to deliver the paper cups for the water to deliver the paper cups for the water cooler. Turns out an evil oppressive cooler. Turns out an evil oppressive cooler. Turns out an evil oppressive corporation in the real world has corporation in the real world has corporation in the real world has developed the technology to enter the developed the technology to enter the developed the technology to enter the world of story books and has been world of story books and has been world of story books and has been poaching them as free real estate and poaching them as free real estate and poaching them as free real estate and enslaving the residents in 9 to 5 desk enslaving the residents in 9 to 5 desk enslaving the residents in 9 to 5 desk jobs. All of which apparently made more jobs. All of which apparently made more jobs. All of which apparently made more sense to the board of directors than sense to the board of directors than sense to the board of directors than giving the human workers a reasonable giving the human workers a reasonable giving the human workers a reasonable health benefits package. So Flint vows health benefits package. So Flint vows health benefits package. So Flint vows to destroy Ever After Incorporated by to destroy Ever After Incorporated by to destroy Ever After Incorporated by the cunning method of joining them and the cunning method of joining them and the cunning method of joining them and doing everything they tell him to do. doing everything they tell him to do. doing everything they tell him to do. He's going to bring them down from He's going to bring them down from He's going to bring them down from within, you see. And hopefully he within, you see. And hopefully he within, you see. And hopefully he remembers to write that intention down remembers to write that intention down remembers to write that intention down and entrust it with a reliable lawyer and entrust it with a reliable lawyer and entrust it with a reliable lawyer before the ethics tribunal starts. The before the ethics tribunal starts. The before the ethics tribunal starts. The work he's required to do for the work he's required to do for the work he's required to do for the corporation largely involves going on corporation largely involves going on corporation largely involves going on adventures and having lots of smashing adventures and having lots of smashing adventures and having lots of smashing fights, which is just as well for us. fights, which is just as well for us. fights, which is just as well for us. And over the course of the game, his And over the course of the game, his And over the course of the game, his party, or rather department, is joined party, or rather department, is joined party, or rather department, is joined by the dragon that was once his nemesis, by the dragon that was once his nemesis, by the dragon that was once his nemesis, an upbeat, pacifistic big bad wolf, a an upbeat, pacifistic big bad wolf, a an upbeat, pacifistic big bad wolf, a skeleton wizard who gave up villain to skeleton wizard who gave up villain to skeleton wizard who gave up villain to become head of human resources, and an become head of human resources, and an become head of human resources, and an ill-advised punk edgy rebranding of an ill-advised punk edgy rebranding of an ill-advised punk edgy rebranding of an adorable teddy bear mascot. Let's all adorable teddy bear mascot. Let's all adorable teddy bear mascot. Let's all take a moment to irreverently giggle at take a moment to irreverently giggle at take a moment to irreverently giggle at all those characters being not what all those characters being not what all those characters being not what they're supposed to be. they're supposed to be. they're supposed to be. Of course, which characters eventually Of course, which characters eventually Of course, which characters eventually join your party might have been more of join your party might have been more of join your party might have been more of a surprise if they didn't all appear on a surprise if they didn't all appear on a surprise if they didn't all appear on the title screen. The title screen the title screen. The title screen the title screen. The title screen arranged identically to Thousand-Year arranged identically to Thousand-Year arranged identically to Thousand-Year Doors title screen. But now I'm harping. Doors title screen. But now I'm harping. Doors title screen. But now I'm harping. So in the first chapter, we track down So in the first chapter, we track down So in the first chapter, we track down and fight the three little pigs who are and fight the three little pigs who are and fight the three little pigs who are running a sinister real estate running a sinister real estate running a sinister real estate development scheme. What universal development scheme. What universal development scheme. What universal humor? And then the next chapter is a humor? And then the next chapter is a humor? And then the next chapter is a point by point retrade of the shadow point by point retrade of the shadow point by point retrade of the shadow over Inmouth, but where all the town's over Inmouth, but where all the town's over Inmouth, but where all the town's people are seagulls. What? Okay, people are seagulls. What? Okay, people are seagulls. What? Okay, slightly less universal humor, but I'll slightly less universal humor, but I'll slightly less universal humor, but I'll roll with it. I like what the game does roll with it. I like what the game does roll with it. I like what the game does with characterization. There's this with characterization. There's this with characterization. There's this running theme of self-aware fictional running theme of self-aware fictional running theme of self-aware fictional characters trying to figure out who they characters trying to figure out who they characters trying to figure out who they are, if they're capable of existing are, if they're capable of existing are, if they're capable of existing outside of what their author wrote. And outside of what their author wrote. And outside of what their author wrote. And that's some pretty deep existentialism that's some pretty deep existentialism that's some pretty deep existentialism for a game about blasting Red Riding for a game about blasting Red Riding for a game about blasting Red Riding Hood's grandmother in the face with a Hood's grandmother in the face with a Hood's grandmother in the face with a shield. The main character is a bit shield. The main character is a bit shield. The main character is a bit flat, but that's kind of the point. flat, but that's kind of the point. flat, but that's kind of the point. Other characters call him out for being Other characters call him out for being Other characters call him out for being a stock storybook hero type. The dude a stock storybook hero type. The dude a stock storybook hero type. The dude presented early on as a stock evil presented early on as a stock evil presented early on as a stock evil corporate boss type becomes actually corporate boss type becomes actually corporate boss type becomes actually really sympathetic by the end. And yet, really sympathetic by the end. And yet, really sympathetic by the end. And yet, I wish the game had gone into more depth I wish the game had gone into more depth I wish the game had gone into more depth in certain other areas. Some characters in certain other areas. Some characters in certain other areas. Some characters don't quite get the fleshing out they don't quite get the fleshing out they don't quite get the fleshing out they deserve. Sherlock Holmes shows up, which deserve. Sherlock Holmes shows up, which deserve. Sherlock Holmes shows up, which was a great opportunity to explore the was a great opportunity to explore the was a great opportunity to explore the relationship between a character and an relationship between a character and an relationship between a character and an author who was grown to hate them, or author who was grown to hate them, or author who was grown to hate them, or finally reveal what he was getting up to finally reveal what he was getting up to finally reveal what he was getting up to with Watson in all those offscreen with Watson in all those offscreen with Watson in all those offscreen between story cocaine fueled hangout between story cocaine fueled hangout between story cocaine fueled hangout sessions. But now he's just there to be sessions. But now he's just there to be sessions. But now he's just there to be a one joke mcguffin and boinky cosmic a one joke mcguffin and boinky cosmic a one joke mcguffin and boinky cosmic horror, which might be a space issue. horror, which might be a space issue. horror, which might be a space issue. It's not a long game, which sort of It's not a long game, which sort of It's not a long game, which sort of brings me to the barbar elephant in the brings me to the barbar elephant in the brings me to the barbar elephant in the room. The inevitable and arguably room. The inevitable and arguably room. The inevitable and arguably invited comparison to Thousand-Year invited comparison to Thousand-Year invited comparison to Thousand-Year Door. Okay, probably not arguably at Door. Okay, probably not arguably at Door. Okay, probably not arguably at all. Going by the title screen thing, all. Going by the title screen thing, all. Going by the title screen thing, Ever After takes so many cues from Ever After takes so many cues from Ever After takes so many cues from Thousand-Year Door that any praise or Thousand-Year Door that any praise or Thousand-Year Door that any praise or criticism one could have for its core criticism one could have for its core criticism one could have for its core combat and platforming gameplay should combat and platforming gameplay should combat and platforming gameplay should in fact be directed at Thousand-Year in fact be directed at Thousand-Year in fact be directed at Thousand-Year Door. I guess it deserves props for Door. I guess it deserves props for Door. I guess it deserves props for doing a great job of copying it. You do doing a great job of copying it. You do doing a great job of copying it. You do have to be a pretty good artist to have to be a pretty good artist to have to be a pretty good artist to reproduce an old master. I guess the reproduce an old master. I guess the reproduce an old master. I guess the animation's not quite as good. Some animation's not quite as good. Some animation's not quite as good. Some characters feel the best way to characters feel the best way to characters feel the best way to illustrate that they are talking is to illustrate that they are talking is to illustrate that they are talking is to madly fling their heads back and forth madly fling their heads back and forth madly fling their heads back and forth like a muppet on a teacup ride. And I like a muppet on a teacup ride. And I like a muppet on a teacup ride. And I really hate the one Ocean Journey really hate the one Ocean Journey really hate the one Ocean Journey chapter where all you do is stop every chapter where all you do is stop every chapter where all you do is stop every 10 yards for a standard battle and get a 10 yards for a standard battle and get a 10 yards for a standard battle and get a free complete heal after each one. It's free complete heal after each one. It's free complete heal after each one. It's about as exciting and challenging as about as exciting and challenging as about as exciting and challenging as flicking bogeies at a very large wall flicking bogeies at a very large wall flicking bogeies at a very large wall that you're standing very close to. that you're standing very close to. that you're standing very close to. Ultimately, the answer to the question, Ultimately, the answer to the question, Ultimately, the answer to the question, is it as good as Thousand-Year Door is is it as good as Thousand-Year Door is is it as good as Thousand-Year Door is inevitably no. It's good, but it's not inevitably no. It's good, but it's not inevitably no. It's good, but it's not great, and it's only about half the great, and it's only about half the great, and it's only about half the length. When I was struggling with the length. When I was struggling with the length. When I was struggling with the final boss and was thinking it might be final boss and was thinking it might be final boss and was thinking it might be worth grinding up on some side quests, I worth grinding up on some side quests, I worth grinding up on some side quests, I quickly ran into the issue of having quickly ran into the issue of having quickly ran into the issue of having done all of the mega selection of side done all of the mega selection of side done all of the mega selection of side quests available, except for the pit of quests available, except for the pit of quests available, except for the pit of 100 trials, of course, and bollocks to 100 trials, of course, and bollocks to 100 trials, of course, and bollocks to that, frankly. Um, excuse me, Yards. that, frankly. Um, excuse me, Yards. that, frankly. Um, excuse me, Yards. It's a tower of 100 trials. It is It's a tower of 100 trials. It is It's a tower of 100 trials. It is completely different because it goes in completely different because it goes in completely different because it goes in completely the opposite direction. See, completely the opposite direction. See, completely the opposite direction. See, this is the problem. This is the problem this is the problem. This is the problem this is the problem. This is the problem right here. Thousand-year Door was a right here. Thousand-year Door was a right here. Thousand-year Door was a huge game with ridiculous amounts of huge game with ridiculous amounts of huge game with ridiculous amounts of side content. And the inclusion of the side content. And the inclusion of the side content. And the inclusion of the pit of 100 Trials felt like an act of pit of 100 Trials felt like an act of pit of 100 Trials felt like an act of exasperation. Oh, you finished the exasperation. Oh, you finished the exasperation. Oh, you finished the story. That's okay. Here's like a story. That's okay. Here's like a story. That's okay. Here's like a million side quests. Oh, you've done all million side quests. Oh, you've done all million side quests. Oh, you've done all those. Here's a bunch of collectibles those. Here's a bunch of collectibles those. Here's a bunch of collectibles and mini games. What? What? Why are you and mini games. What? What? Why are you and mini games. What? What? Why are you still here? You need more? Fine. Here's still here? You need more? Fine. Here's still here? You need more? Fine. Here's a ridiculously hard and extremely boring a ridiculously hard and extremely boring a ridiculously hard and extremely boring combat challenge. Are you happy now? It combat challenge. Are you happy now? It combat challenge. Are you happy now? It was one small, easily ignored part of was one small, easily ignored part of was one small, easily ignored part of this massive game intended to appease this massive game intended to appease this massive game intended to appease psychotics. Its presence in a much psychotics. Its presence in a much psychotics. Its presence in a much smaller game is a huge wobbling erection smaller game is a huge wobbling erection smaller game is a huge wobbling erection sticking out of the middle. And it's sticking out of the middle. And it's sticking out of the middle. And it's only in the game because Thousand-Year only in the game because Thousand-Year only in the game because Thousand-Year Door did it. Would you jump off a Door did it. Would you jump off a Door did it. Would you jump off a bridge? Because Thousand-Year Door did bridge? Because Thousand-Year Door did bridge? Because Thousand-Year Door did it. Escape from Ever After. Sorry, I it. Escape from Ever After. Sorry, I it. Escape from Ever After. Sorry, I can't hear you. Y I'm in the middle of can't hear you. Y I'm in the middle of can't hear you. Y I'm in the middle of jumping off this bridge. Heat. Heat. Heat. Heat. Heat. Heat.